Yesterday I went with Hope Haven on an outing to Spencer. We had a 15 passenger van, COMPLETELY full so our driver never went more than 50 mph. I sat in the back and just about all the clients fell asleep, so I just looked out the window and thought. I haven't had time to just think in a while, so I had plenty to think about.

I thought about my fundamentals class and how I've realized through some self-reflection assignments that I am pretty lazy. I think about stuff - how I wish the world were different, how I wish I were different, how I wish some of my relationships were different, etc.. - but I rarely do much about it. So I thought about what I could do to at least change me and improve relationships.

I thought about how selfish I am and how much I focus on myself and talk about myself. I wondered how on earth I could get myself to remember to forget myself and to focus on other people. People think about themselves by default, but thinking about other people first and remembering to be truly kind and generous and selfless takes effort. You have to be intentional about it. You have to remember to be intentional about it, at least until you've done it so much it becomes a habit. So how can I remember? Tie a string on my finger?

I thought about how I love hearing people who understand music talking about music because I keep hoping some of that knowledge and understanding will rub off on me. I love music, but have a hard time talking about it. Sometimes I want to just sit down and listen to it. REALLY listen to it! I want to spend a weekend in some isolated cabin where I can spend the time researching the story of the musicians, listening to the lyrics of the musicians, and getting to know the music. Then I had a moment of shame. Here I am wishing I could spend hours and hours listening, studying, and getting to know good musicians and their music, but when have I desired to spend a weekend reading and studying my Bible to get to know God? How lame.

I thought about how I don't slow down enough. I don't take walks and enjoy the beauty around me enough. I don't find pictures in the clouds, or make angels in the snow, or sing out loud enough. I should get my bike out of storage.

I thought about other things too, but those I'll save for myself. (Not to be selfish.)